Cleaning House

Much like deep house cleaning, cleaning the toxicity out of your life is not an easy task. I am left with some serious introspection and self doubt. Much like I begin to feel after several hours of cleaning. I look at the mess I have made and think to myself..."why did I start this, why not just shove it all in the closets and under the sofa where it appears clean?" The answer is simple, I know it's dirty and that is what matters most.

The dirt, just like the toxic relationships in your life will eat away at you because you know it's not right yet find reasons to avoid remedying it. You can ignore it for a while but eventually it effects every aspect of your being. It's a good thing, cleaning. It is tiresome. It is inconvenient. And often, time consuming. But very necessary.

Our literal space is relevant to our spiritual and mental space. Clutter free and clean is best. So while I ponder the reasons for dust so thick I could play hangman in it, I will also ponder why I have allowed the relationships that no longer exist to steal my energy. And much like the exhausting house cleaning, there is a way to stay on top of things!

So you come to a point in your life where you recognize the need for boundaries. And the fact that you cannot recognize one healthy boundary in your life. So the books are read, the articles clipped and taped everywhere one might stop to ponder such things, and you proudly announce to everyone you know..."I am establishing boundaries"!!!!

Great...my experience thus far with boundaries are they are there for people to cross. I continually find myself repairing the leaky levys that are my boundaries. I don't think people purposely break through them. I think it's just human nature to take what we can get without regard to how it affects anything or anyone else.

So, I establish, repair and enforce boundaries...whenever I think about it!!! All of this, though, brings me to the set of boundaries I never even imagined were necesarry. Let me back up though...and expound on boundaries:

You have to maintain your identity somehow. You are wife, teacher, mother, caretaker, whatever roles you take in life are just that...roles. They are not "who" you are. When you don't set boundaries you become your roles. I am going to say MOST people antiquate themselves with what they do. Well what happens when you lose your job, your kids grow up and leave home. Your husband leaves you. Your role changes. And if you have not maintained a level of "self" you can very quickly spiral into what I call the "what the hell"!

In the past year I found myself ending a long term relationship, without a job, helping my teenage daughter raise a new baby and then suffering from empty nest when she moved out...what the hell? I went from being the best at what I did at work, a great live-in girlfriend, a supportive, teaching mother, and stand-in "Dad" to my grandaughter. To being single, unemployed, and alone...what the hell!

Fortunately I had established boundaries in most areas of my life. The one I had not, however, was with my children. Children are sweet, kind, loving and forever grateful. Right....what the hell?????? I don't think I have ever endured pain like that at the hand of my children.

At one point I found myself saying..."that's what I am, a Mother, a Grandmother. It's what I'm here for." What the hell?? It was a cop out...there have never been boundaries with my children. I have given them everything I am and have. I have sacrificed things I wanted, my own happiness for them. Right or wrong, it was for, what I thought, was thier good. I don't care if it is becuase, like me, you were a single over-compensating mother, or if you are just too damn liberal. YOU MUST ESTABLISH BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR CHILDREN. Their happiness is NOT your responsibility. Thier safety and well being is, not their happiness. I have always tried to make things easy for my children...even their own motherhood. In the end, life is hard, they have done things their own way. Made mistakes, and broken my heart.

See, I don't depend on anyone for anything, but I always thought if I ever needed anything, emotional or otherwise, my children would be there for me. What the hell??? Why would I think that? I have not taught them to be there for anyone. I had no boundaries with them...I allowed them to take out all of life's frustrations on me. I was their Mom. It was my job to make their life easy.

I love my children. Please don't think we didn't have good times, we did. But my lesson learned...and advice I would pass on...it truly is hard to establish boundaries with your children...personal boundaries. But it is an absolute necessity. They will one day leave...and you will not be the center of their world, as they have been yours. And you will be alone...with no life of your own...saying..."what the hell???"